How Cartman stole Chanukkah and Christmas
by PuckRox
Summary: Cartman gets a sneaky idea to steal Christmas and Chanukkah! And it even RHYMES! And with the help of Butters (ok, FORCING Butters) he MIGHT actually pull it off! Rated for a tad bit of swearing and evil ideas. Enjoy!


Hehe, I had this AMAZING idea to do a poem about a south park character!  
Then I came across my old book of 'How the Grinch stole Christmas' and it  
IMMEDIATILY made me think of... CARTMAN! I hope you enjoy!

* * *

Every Kid  
Down in South Park  
Liked Christmas and Chaunika a lot...

But Cartman,  
Who lived in South Park too,  
Did NOT!

Oh, he loved Christmas! The whole **GIVING** season!  
But all that mushy stuff he hated. No one quite knows the reason.  
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.  
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.  
But I think that the most likely reason of all  
May have been that his heart was twenty sizes too small.

But,  
Whatever the reason,  
His shoes or his head  
He stood in his room watching the kids sled  
Staring upon them from his room with a sour, evil frown  
Also at the jolly carolers singing below in his town.  
Not liking the caroler's songs, he pulled out his bucket of rocks  
And hit the carolers down, knocking them out of their socks  
He pointed and laughed as the carolers fled  
And he talked to himself as he walked to his bed

"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer.  
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"  
Then he growled, with his chubby fingers nervously drumming,  
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"  
For, tomorrow, he knew...

All the South Park s and boys  
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!  
And greedy old Cartman thought to himself  
That THOSE toys of theirs should be on HIS shelf!  
They didn't deserve them, not one single kid  
But for some strange reason, Cartman thought he did  
Cartman knew much laughter and joy would be spread all about  
And the children of South Park would spend their day out

And **THEN**  
The town would do something he liked least of all!  
Every person down in South Park, the tall and the small,  
Would stand close together, with Christmas and Chaunkia bells ringing.  
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the town would start singing!

They'd sing! And they'd sing!  
AND they'd **SING**! **SING**! **SING**! **SING**!  
And the more that Cartman thought of the town get together sing  
The more Cartman thought, "I must stop this whole thing!  
Why for the past nine years I've put up with it now!  
I **MUST** stop Christmas from coming!  
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea.  
An awful idea!  
**CARTMAN**  
**GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!  
**

"I know just what to do!" Cartman laughed in his throat.  
And he bought off of ebay a Santa Claus hat and a coat.  
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great trick!  
With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!

Now all I need is a reindeer..."  
Cartman looked around.  
But since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.  
Did that stop the young, evil boy...?  
No! Cartman just simply said,  
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"

So he lured poor little Butters into his room.  
Butters not aware and so unsure of the doom.  
Then, blacking mailing the poor unliked child  
He made Butters promise to do his bidding and be mild.  
Then he took some red thread  
And he tied a big horn on top of Butters head.

**THEN**  
He found some paper bags  
And some old empty sacks in the gutters  
And put them on his sled  
And he hitched up poor Butters.

Then Cartman said, "Giddyap!"  
And the sleigh started ahead  
Toward the homes where the townspeople  
Lay a-snooze in their beds  
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.  
All the children were all dreaming sweet dreams without care

When he came to the first house in the square.  
"This is stop number one!" Cartman whispered and hissed  
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.  
Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight fit.  
But if Santa could do it... well, it would take HIM a bit.  
He got stuck only once, for an hour or two.  
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue

Where the little kids stockings all hung in a row.  
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"  
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,  
Around the whole room, and he took every present!  
Action figures! Bicycles! Roller-skates! Drums!  
Checkerboards! Tricycles! Candy! And plums!  
And he stuffed them in bags. Then Cartman, very clumsy and nimbly,  
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!

Then he slunk to the refrigerator looking for food.  
He took the family's feast! He took the family's pudding!  
He took their roast beast! He cleaned out that icebox quicker than a baby  
is born  
Why, Cartman even took their last can of creamed corn!  
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.  
"And **NOW**!" grinned Cartman with pride, "I will stuff up the tree!"

And then Cartman grabbed the tree, and he started to shove  
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.  
He turned around fast, and he saw a small son!  
Little Ike Broslofski, who was not even one.  
Cartman had been caught by this little Jewish boy  
Who'd got out of bed for a peek at a toy.

He stared at fat Cartman and said, "Santy Claus, why,  
Why DO we even HAVE Christmas tree? **WHY**?"  
But, you know, Cartman wasn't so smart and so slick  
But he did think up a lie, and he thought it up quick!

"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Santa Claus lied,  
"You're perfectly right, this tree belongs outside.  
Not in here, with a bunch of stupid, ugly Jews!  
...I mean... wonderful people full of God's news...  
So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.  
I'll keep it up there. I won't bring it back here."

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted his head  
And he gave him a toy and he sent him to bed.  
And when Ike Broslofski went to bed with his new toy cup,  
Cartman went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!  
Then the last thing he took  
Was the log for their fire.  
Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.  
On their walls he left nothing but hooks, and some wire.  
And the one speck of food  
That he left in the house  
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

Then  
He did the same thing  
To the other townspeople's houses  
Leaving crumbs  
Much too small  
For the other mouses

It was quarter past dawn...  
All the town, still a-bed  
All the town, still a-snooze  
When he packed up his sled,  
Packed it up with their presents and things!  
The ribbons! The wrappings! The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The  
trappings!  
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Lyddit,  
He rode to the tiptop just so he could hide it!

He'd keep it all for himself, showing no compassion  
He wasn't even giving Butters a fair amount ration  
And poor little Butters had to carry that sled  
All the way up there with so much to dread

"Pooh-pooh to them all!" Cartman was grinchishly humming.  
"They're finding out now that no holiday is coming!  
They're just waking up now! I know just what they'll do!  
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two  
And then all the people down in South Park will all cry BOO-HOO!

That's a noise," grinned Cartman  
"That I simply must hear!"  
So he paused. And then Cartman put a fat hand to his ear.  
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.  
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

"Hey, where's all my presents?" shouted Stan madly.  
"They should be under my tree to open," he said sadly.  
"And my Chauinika presents!" Kyle yelled in rage.  
"I was getting a hamster with a wheel and a cage!"  
And many more children shouted out in anger and hate  
Wanting their presents before it was too late

Then the parents said, "Now, now children don't shed a tear.  
As long as family is together, there is nothing to fear.  
All we need is love and care for this joyous holiday.  
And that's how Christmas should be, all the way!"  
The children looked at each other for just a little bit.

Then turned to their parents and said "that's bull shit!  
We want all of our presents, and we want them all now!  
You expect us to have no presents on Christmas... how?!"  
And they sat down in the streets and began to cry  
As if the world was about to die

And Cartman was pleased with the sadness he'd created  
And this day would be remembered, and never faded  
But in his heart, he felt a twitch of shame  
That he was not taking any of the blame  
It couldn't be so!  
Cartman had never felt shame or woe!

But he did feel it, and in South Park they say  
That his measly, small heart grew one size that day!  
So he brought back gifts (most "mysteriously" were gone)  
And spread them all across their lawns  
Girls grabbed their new dolls, and boys with their bikes  
And many kids were happy with all of their likes

In their eyes, Cartman had saved the day  
Bringing the presents back for them in that way  
So that night when the it came time for the feast  
And he...

...**HE HIMSELF...!**  
Cartman... **stole the roast beast!**


End file.
